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Nicole Fergesen

January 10, 2020

A Year Ago Today Was the Last Day I Saw My Son-in-Law

Grief as a mother-in-law is complicated. I wept for the son-in-law that I loved like a son. I wept for my daughter who lost her soul mate. I wept for my three grandbabies that lost the best daddy in the world.

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Grief as a Mother-in-Law

January 10th, 2019.

It was a typical cold, January day; an ordinary Thursday. Barn chores, dog walks, dinner prep. Swim class for one of my grandchildren.

It was also the last day I saw my son in law, Marcus, alive.

With three children 5 and under, His wife (my daughter) Nicole was finding it impossible to be in three places at once. Putting on my “Mimi” hat, I offered to bring Scarlett to swim class.

Part way through class, her father, Marcus arrived to watch the class and then take her out for her weekly McDonalds shake. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Scarlett finished her class, I helped her dry off and put her winter clothes on to go on her “daddy date”.

As they left, Marcus turned to me and said “I love you Mimi”.

“I love you too!” I replied. And that was it.

Five days later, January 15, 2019, Marcus was in the loving arms of our Savior.

My rose colored glasses shattered forever.

Grief as a mother-in-law is complicated. I wept for the son-in-law that I loved like a son. I wept for my daughter who lost her soul mate. I wept for my three grandbabies that lost the best daddy in the world.

I cried because Marcus will never walk his daughters down the aisle on their wedding day. He’ll never teach his children to drive a car. He won’t be there for their first date, their first break up. Sporting events, school plays & graduations.

Nicole won’t have a husband to share all the daily joys and sorrows with. She lost the most wonderful life partner. I lost a son-in-law that most parents can only dream of. As her mom, this may be the most painful part of the story. To watch her struggle with her loss without being able to make it better. I’m a “fixer” by nature but I couldn’t “fix” this.

One year later, I still weep. I questioned God. I questioned life. I questioned myself. Grief does not leave us. It changes us. It allows us to empathize with others in a way that would never be possible without such a tragic loss.

I’ve also seen the goodness of God.

I’ve seen how our family has come together in an unbreakable bond. I’ve watched her siblings wrap Nicole and her children in so much love it is beyond words. I’ve seen lives changed and souls saved through this tragedy.

I’ve found out who is truly by my side and have appreciated EVERY text, call and message “just checking in on me”.

Some days I am strong. Some days I am weak. But each morning I wake, and I choose joy. I’ll admit some days I DO question God but my trust is still in his plan. I tell myself that’s it’s OK if I’m not OK.

Quoting from Marcus’ favorite song by For King & Country:

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of night
Oh, with You by my side, I’m stepping into the light
I choose joy

As we arrive at the one year anniversary of Marcus’s departure from us, I reflect on our very last words and that brings me so much joy. What an amazing memory and awesome way to say goodbye!

I love you, too, Marcus. Very much.

See my reflections from after Marcus passed here.

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Posted In: Faith, grief, Uncategorized · Tagged: Christian, death, God, grief, grieving, love, marriage, mother in law, son in law, sorrow, trauma, widow, widower

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Hey There!

About Me
I am Nicole Fergesen, mama to four, new Iowan and part time New Hampshire girl. I believe in Jesus, live on coffee, and love functional fashion. I also dabble in home design and relentlessly find beauty in everything. Wife to Dustin, widow of Marcus, blending a family and finding grace in the journey.

I WANT IN

nicolefergesen

“How can you possibly love two men?” It’s a “How can you possibly love two men?”

It’s actually not as complicated as you’d think. You see, they are two completely different people. Our relationships are entirely unique and independent from each other. 

It’s like when you have children. When you have the first you can’t comprehend how you could possibly love another as much. And then you have another child, and you realize that it’s just a totally different love. You’d never choose one child over another. Your relationships are unique and special. 

The same with my late husband and my new husband. 

I didn’t choose for my relationship with Marcus to end. And I wouldn’t have met Dustin had I not lost him. 

I love Dustin with all of my heart. And yet, my love for Marcus hasn’t changed one bit. 

The love isn’t competitive. 
It’s deep, meaningful, and sacred. 

And I find myself just overwhelmed with thankfulness. God has been so good to me, and what a gift it is to love such wonderful men! 

If you’re in a similar position and curious how you could even consider loving someone new, there’s no harm in exploring. Our hearts are capable of so much, and we were created to love and be loved. 

And it’s a beautiful thing. ❤️

#loveafterloss #chapter2 #loveneverdies #youngwidow #lovestory #thankful #griefjourney #godisincontrol
I struggle enjoying the in between, the incomplete I struggle enjoying the in between, the incomplete phase while striving toward the goal. With patience. And with our house specifically, we bought it knowing it would need a ton of work. In the four months we’ve owned it we have made a HUGE dent in our project list, just not a lot “completed.” (And the kitchen remodel begins in just over two weeks!! 👏🏼). But good things take time, and I need to remind myself of that.
So here’s a list I created to help myself slow down and be patient with the process of making our house a home (bookmark to reference!):

•  Focus on one thing at a time. Little improvements. 
• Have an end goal in mind, but if budget or time doesn’t allow, try and complete a small area so it feels like something is being accomplished. 
• Try and reflect on what you HAVE done. While the project list seems endless, checking some things off the list will let you feel a sense of accomplishment. (ex., this room we’ve removed wallpaper, added texture, painted, removed curtains & blinds but still need new floors, art, nightstands, pillows & more). 
• More time developing a space means it will look more collected and special, rather than new and lacking character. Patience will pay off! 
• The longer we take, the more we know what we like and will work. And editing is part of that process!
• Don’t be afraid to buy the wrong thing. Design paralysis is a real thing! Buy it, try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something different. Relieve the pressure from yourself to make the perfect choice every time. Or, if you see something you like, grab measurements and “see” it in a space (see above! The painting I feel in love with is just slightly too large, but I needed a visual to confirm.)
• A house will never be truly done. It will develop over time, as needs change. So stop thinking you’ll reach a point of “done.” 

I hope this helps people who are in the same boat as me and eager to reach the finished product!
 http://liketk.it/3cTaM #LTKhome @liketoknow.it #home#progressoverperfection #onethingatatime #enjoythejourney #dreamhome #renovation #diy
ICYMI- I talked on Wednesday about an exciting new ICYMI- I talked on Wednesday about an exciting new addition to the blog- a monthly newsletter and GIVEAWAY! If you want exclusive updates (not spammy, promise!) then subscribe through the link in my profile. Maybe I’ll even share what I’m pondering about gazing across the water here 😂 I’m giving away two books to a new subscriber chosen at random, a copy of Streams in the Desert and my late husband’s book, Let the Socks Lead. Giveaway ends April 14.  http://liketk.it/3cpx2 photo by @bekahlee33  #liketkit @liketoknow.it #giveaway #subscribe #youngwidow #leadership #streamsinthedesert #ootd #spring #outfit #newsletter #midwest #midwestliving #midwestblogger #iowa #iowalife #lovemylife #dreambig #grief #homeblogger #fashionblogger #griefblogger #family #loveafterloss #alifeworthliving
So you’re pregnant! Congratulations! Pregnancy i So you’re pregnant! Congratulations! Pregnancy is magical and such a gift, but there are certain realities that come with growing a human inside you. Whether this is your first pregnancy or sixth, I have rounded up some of my pregnancy favorites, items that have gotten me through the first two trimesters comfortably! Most are non maternity (read: will last beyond pregnancy!) and won’t break the bank. Bookmark this post, then go to the blog (link in profile) to see the whole list and why I chose each item! 

Also, this target dress 👌🏼 http://liketk.it/3cnBX #liketkit @liketoknow.it #LTKbump #LTKunder50 #LTKwedding #maternity #pregnancyfavorites #bump #bumpstyle #target #targetstyle #spring #springdress #pregnancybasics #firsttrimester #secondtrimester #pregnancy #bumpdate
Swipe for the before ➡️ We bought our home at Swipe for the before ➡️ We bought our home at the beginning of December and got right to work renovating the space! We started with simple but big impact projects like painting the hearth room and eat in kitchen area and removing allllll the tan (see my stories for a laugh!). We have a long way to go, but this was a fantastic start and brightened up the whole space! My wrists still haven’t recovered from all the painting I’ve done already 🤣
Color: Alabaster by @sherwinwilliams 
Photo: @alvarengaart 
Sources: http://liketk.it/3ckww #liketkit @liketoknow.it #home #homerenovation #reno #dreamhome #paint #targethome #target #alabaster #white #whitepaint #springprojects #sherwinwilliams #bestwhitepaint #bestwhite #mostpopularwhite #beforeandafter #dreamhome
1. My due date is four months from today 😱 And 1. My due date is four months from today 😱 And today I experienced my first mention of my pregnancy from a stranger 😆 This pregnancy is FLYING by! 
2. This Easter was the first in my life I’ve gotten a tan. Thanks, Iowa! 
3. I only just discovered I have seasonal allergies. Maybe they are a new thing for me, or I’ve never noticed. Dustin pointed it out and let me tell you, I’m not a big medicine person but allergy meds are AMAZING. 
4. The exterior siding of our home is getting painted this week! Check out my stories for some insanely beautiful progress 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
5. How many loads of laundry do you do a week on average? I think I am at about 12 😱 #familyofsix
That’s all my random thoughts for today 🤣
I linked my favorite pullover!  http://liketk.it/3ceiv #liketkit @liketoknow.it #random #laundry #allergyseason #pregnancy #bumpdate #tan #randommusings #adayinthelife #homerenovation #progress @abercrombie #smile #spring #momlife #happylife #iowalife
He is risen 🙌🏼 http://liketk.it/3c506 @dfe He is risen 🙌🏼 

http://liketk.it/3c506 @dfergesen #heisrisen #eastersunday #family #blendedfamily #chaptertwo
SMILE. Can you name three things that make you hap SMILE. Can you name three things that make you happy? We have so much to be grateful for. I’ll go first in the comments 👇🏼 

http://liketk.it/3bM0d photo by @rachelwhitephoto #thisisthegoodlife #dreambig #lifeisanadventure #liketkit @liketoknow.it  #outdoor #getoutside #kids #family #smile #happy #grateful
Don’t wait. Don’t wait to host until your hou Don’t wait. 
Don’t wait to host until your house is perfect.
Just open your home and be available. Be Inviting. Embracing. It will never feel like the perfect timing, like your house is not decorated well enough, or is clean enough to invite people in, but the memories made will supersede any hesitation. Love will work it all out. They’ll remember the conversation, the gesture, and the kindness of simply letting them enter through your threshold. 

Our home is still a construction zone and the amount of events in one month has been crazy (gender reveal, Elliott’s birthday, my birthday, Scarlett’s birthday, Easter, hosting friends from out of town, on top of the ongoing renovations). Instead of saying no, we are inviting friends into our home just the way it is. It’s chaotic, messy (literally sawdust on the ground for the gender reveal 🤣), and very imperfect, but that’s much like our life, right? We are constantly becoming better versions of ourselves. Sometimes we need to let others into the messy parts because we all have them. And that’s where the connection lies- the messy. Because we are all human, and there’s no point in pretending our lives are any more polished than they really are. Truth is, life is crazy and we are all doing the best we can!

I wrote a post (link in profile) all about our simple Easter dinner plans! I included recipes, shopping lists, tablescape ideas, and tips for hosting a stress free holiday. Is there someone you can invite over this Easter? Think of the people in your lives, and maybe there’s someone who doesn’t have a place to go. Show them the love of Jesus just by letting them in ❤️AND if you made it this far, I linked the new version of this blouse which is an all time favorite! http://liketk.it/3bEn3 and links to the tablescape http://liketk.it/3bD7j photo by @bekahlee33 #liketkit @liketoknow.it #dontwait #easter #justlove #loveothers #bethelove #showthemjesus #openthedoor #jesusisthereason #lovebig #love #eastermenu #tips #advice #midwestliving #iowablogger #midwest #midwestblogger
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Simple Easter Dinner - Recipes, Shopping Lists, Tablescape Ideas, & Tips for Hosting a Stress Free Holiday
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nicolefergesen

“How can you possibly love two men?” It’s a “How can you possibly love two men?”

It’s actually not as complicated as you’d think. You see, they are two completely different people. Our relationships are entirely unique and independent from each other. 

It’s like when you have children. When you have the first you can’t comprehend how you could possibly love another as much. And then you have another child, and you realize that it’s just a totally different love. You’d never choose one child over another. Your relationships are unique and special. 

The same with my late husband and my new husband. 

I didn’t choose for my relationship with Marcus to end. And I wouldn’t have met Dustin had I not lost him. 

I love Dustin with all of my heart. And yet, my love for Marcus hasn’t changed one bit. 

The love isn’t competitive. 
It’s deep, meaningful, and sacred. 

And I find myself just overwhelmed with thankfulness. God has been so good to me, and what a gift it is to love such wonderful men! 

If you’re in a similar position and curious how you could even consider loving someone new, there’s no harm in exploring. Our hearts are capable of so much, and we were created to love and be loved. 

And it’s a beautiful thing. ❤️

#loveafterloss #chapter2 #loveneverdies #youngwidow #lovestory #thankful #griefjourney #godisincontrol
I struggle enjoying the in between, the incomplete I struggle enjoying the in between, the incomplete phase while striving toward the goal. With patience. And with our house specifically, we bought it knowing it would need a ton of work. In the four months we’ve owned it we have made a HUGE dent in our project list, just not a lot “completed.” (And the kitchen remodel begins in just over two weeks!! 👏🏼). But good things take time, and I need to remind myself of that.
So here’s a list I created to help myself slow down and be patient with the process of making our house a home (bookmark to reference!):

•  Focus on one thing at a time. Little improvements. 
• Have an end goal in mind, but if budget or time doesn’t allow, try and complete a small area so it feels like something is being accomplished. 
• Try and reflect on what you HAVE done. While the project list seems endless, checking some things off the list will let you feel a sense of accomplishment. (ex., this room we’ve removed wallpaper, added texture, painted, removed curtains & blinds but still need new floors, art, nightstands, pillows & more). 
• More time developing a space means it will look more collected and special, rather than new and lacking character. Patience will pay off! 
• The longer we take, the more we know what we like and will work. And editing is part of that process!
• Don’t be afraid to buy the wrong thing. Design paralysis is a real thing! Buy it, try it, and if it doesn’t work, try something different. Relieve the pressure from yourself to make the perfect choice every time. Or, if you see something you like, grab measurements and “see” it in a space (see above! The painting I feel in love with is just slightly too large, but I needed a visual to confirm.)
• A house will never be truly done. It will develop over time, as needs change. So stop thinking you’ll reach a point of “done.” 

I hope this helps people who are in the same boat as me and eager to reach the finished product!
 http://liketk.it/3cTaM #LTKhome @liketoknow.it #home#progressoverperfection #onethingatatime #enjoythejourney #dreamhome #renovation #diy
ICYMI- I talked on Wednesday about an exciting new ICYMI- I talked on Wednesday about an exciting new addition to the blog- a monthly newsletter and GIVEAWAY! If you want exclusive updates (not spammy, promise!) then subscribe through the link in my profile. Maybe I’ll even share what I’m pondering about gazing across the water here 😂 I’m giving away two books to a new subscriber chosen at random, a copy of Streams in the Desert and my late husband’s book, Let the Socks Lead. Giveaway ends April 14.  http://liketk.it/3cpx2 photo by @bekahlee33  #liketkit @liketoknow.it #giveaway #subscribe #youngwidow #leadership #streamsinthedesert #ootd #spring #outfit #newsletter #midwest #midwestliving #midwestblogger #iowa #iowalife #lovemylife #dreambig #grief #homeblogger #fashionblogger #griefblogger #family #loveafterloss #alifeworthliving
So you’re pregnant! Congratulations! Pregnancy i So you’re pregnant! Congratulations! Pregnancy is magical and such a gift, but there are certain realities that come with growing a human inside you. Whether this is your first pregnancy or sixth, I have rounded up some of my pregnancy favorites, items that have gotten me through the first two trimesters comfortably! Most are non maternity (read: will last beyond pregnancy!) and won’t break the bank. Bookmark this post, then go to the blog (link in profile) to see the whole list and why I chose each item! 

Also, this target dress 👌🏼 http://liketk.it/3cnBX #liketkit @liketoknow.it #LTKbump #LTKunder50 #LTKwedding #maternity #pregnancyfavorites #bump #bumpstyle #target #targetstyle #spring #springdress #pregnancybasics #firsttrimester #secondtrimester #pregnancy #bumpdate
Swipe for the before ➡️ We bought our home at Swipe for the before ➡️ We bought our home at the beginning of December and got right to work renovating the space! We started with simple but big impact projects like painting the hearth room and eat in kitchen area and removing allllll the tan (see my stories for a laugh!). We have a long way to go, but this was a fantastic start and brightened up the whole space! My wrists still haven’t recovered from all the painting I’ve done already 🤣
Color: Alabaster by @sherwinwilliams 
Photo: @alvarengaart 
Sources: http://liketk.it/3ckww #liketkit @liketoknow.it #home #homerenovation #reno #dreamhome #paint #targethome #target #alabaster #white #whitepaint #springprojects #sherwinwilliams #bestwhitepaint #bestwhite #mostpopularwhite #beforeandafter #dreamhome
1. My due date is four months from today 😱 And 1. My due date is four months from today 😱 And today I experienced my first mention of my pregnancy from a stranger 😆 This pregnancy is FLYING by! 
2. This Easter was the first in my life I’ve gotten a tan. Thanks, Iowa! 
3. I only just discovered I have seasonal allergies. Maybe they are a new thing for me, or I’ve never noticed. Dustin pointed it out and let me tell you, I’m not a big medicine person but allergy meds are AMAZING. 
4. The exterior siding of our home is getting painted this week! Check out my stories for some insanely beautiful progress 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
5. How many loads of laundry do you do a week on average? I think I am at about 12 😱 #familyofsix
That’s all my random thoughts for today 🤣
I linked my favorite pullover!  http://liketk.it/3ceiv #liketkit @liketoknow.it #random #laundry #allergyseason #pregnancy #bumpdate #tan #randommusings #adayinthelife #homerenovation #progress @abercrombie #smile #spring #momlife #happylife #iowalife
He is risen 🙌🏼 http://liketk.it/3c506 @dfe He is risen 🙌🏼 

http://liketk.it/3c506 @dfergesen #heisrisen #eastersunday #family #blendedfamily #chaptertwo
SMILE. Can you name three things that make you hap SMILE. Can you name three things that make you happy? We have so much to be grateful for. I’ll go first in the comments 👇🏼 

http://liketk.it/3bM0d photo by @rachelwhitephoto #thisisthegoodlife #dreambig #lifeisanadventure #liketkit @liketoknow.it  #outdoor #getoutside #kids #family #smile #happy #grateful
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