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Nicole Fergesen

January 27, 2020

Saying Yes To Help

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Allow people to help.

As soon as Marcus died and I could catch my breath, I started the most daunting task of my life: telling people. How do you even begin that conversation? This is something so horrifying, so shocking, and so unexpected. I texted my best friend because I simply couldn’t speak to call her. I texted her that the worst thing in the world has happened. Ominous, I know. Then she called me. Her first reaction was to drive to New Hampshire to be with me, but I told her to not worry about it. I don’t want to be an imposition, right? I’ll be fine. I mean, my life is literally crumbling beneath my feet, but I’m fine. I had no idea how to even say yes to her help.

Stop. That. Right. Now.

She called me back and said she was on her way.

And THAT is what friends do. They are there when you need them. Or when you don’t know you need them. They are there when you try and push them away or don’t want to be an imposition.

I am very independent and I feel guilty accepting help. It is still hard for me to accept, but I’ve learned a lot on the subject. People want to help, and saying yes to their help not only helps me, but it helps them.

This year my mom’s club gifted my kids Christmas. I’m talking over the top, extravagant amount of gifts, iPads, and a vacation. Like the generosity that is beyond words. But now that I am a month past Christmas and able to digest how that helped me, it was invaluable. I didn’t have to even think about buying a single gift (sorry, friends and family, but not a single person got a gift this year…). I was able to be present with my kids. I was able to make Christmas as magical as I had the energy for. It allowed me to be super attentive to Scarlett’s grief, which was really intense in December.

On top of that, a sweet friend organized daily acts of love leading up to and beyond the one year mark. I have received so many cards, gift cards, edible arrangements, and sweet friends offering to watch the kids for me to do whatever I need.

Then, the evening I got home from my California vacation in January (yet another blessing from a family member), I walked into my dark and empty house to see dust on my kitchen floor. I immediately sensed something was wrong. It smelled different (and I mean beyond the rotted food I hadn’t had time to clear out before I left).

I began to turn some lights, only to discover that my house had been broken into.

But, I found out, it was for a good reason. My dad, brother in law, and good friend had surprised me by completing the backsplash in my kitchen. My kitchen has been in a state of renovation for the majority of this year, and I have been waiting (patiently?) for help from family and friends to complete it. To arrive home from an amazing trip and be surprised with work done for me just made me sob as soon as I realized what had happened. Such sweet kindness to think of my needs and intentionality to bless me when I least expected it!

So while gifts and acts of service might seem menial for the giver, just know how valuable it is for the receiver. I have learned that saying yes to help allows others into my grief and assist in my healing. Their helping is their healing too. And their loving on me is showing me God’s love for us. And I have learned first hand that when I help people, when I feel like I have dome sort of purpose when life seems crazy, I feel a peace.

Your support makes the grieving feel less stressed.

Your friendship makes the wounded feel loved.

Your time and attention makes the hurting feel seen.

I have tried to think of an adequate way to say thank you. And nothing I can think of can even touch the amount of care for us. My community is present, they are loving, and they are generous.

So if you’ve been there for me, thank you. If you have prayed for us, thank you. If you have given a meal or a gift or watched my kids, thank you. I can’t do it without you. You have taught me to say yes, and the value of a village.

I updated the blog with the final tally of states I ran in last year! I am so happy I was able to adventure so much and experience so many new places. Check here to see where I ended up!

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Posted In: grief, Travel, Uncategorized · Tagged: blessing, Christian, death, funeral, God, grateful, grief, grieving, healing, health, Heaven, husband, inspiration, joy, loss, love, peace, time, widow, widower, wife

Comments

  1. Sharon Smith says

    January 28, 2020 at 1:54 pm

    Nicole. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost mine a few months before. There is a vast difference in our ages and I can hardly imagine what it is like for you and your children. That first years is such a struggle. I was so disappointed to miss your talk at CBC’s ladies Christmas party. I wanted to know how you live life joyfully and now I find myself finding joy and realize that it’s been there all along. This is a path no one wants to ever walk. I only had my husband for 14 years but they were the happiest we had never known. And like you, I know I will see again. I am amazed at your strength and I pray for you often. God has put a calling on my life and I am working to fulfill it. Please know that no matter what our age difference is and the responsibilities we have, God is good and we feel the same pain of grief
    . I am glad you are learning to accept gifts because even though they come from friends, they are really from God. Life can be so lonely without our husbands, but I know Jesus is always with us. I just wanted to touch base with you as I know you go to Calvary Bible Church also. May God bless you and your children and may you always be open to His leading. With the love of Jesus and prayers – Sharon Smith

    Reply
    • Nicole Warner says

      January 28, 2020 at 4:03 pm

      Oh Sharon you bless me! Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain is unimaginable. But I am so thankful for God and his unfailing love and grace! And because of that we have joy. The peace that passes all understanding. And I praise Him for that!!!

      Reply

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Hey There!

About Me
I am Nicole Fergesen, mama to four, new Iowan and part time New Hampshire girl. I believe in Jesus, live on coffee, and love functional fashion. I also dabble in home design and relentlessly find beauty in everything. Wife to Dustin, widow of Marcus, blending a family and finding grace in the journey.

I WANT IN

nicolefergesen

January 15. Miss you every single day. Today even January 15. Miss you every single day. Today even more, remembering the pain of that day, that moment. Wrapped in my dad’s arms, hearing those impossible words. 

I miss how he would make you feel like you were the most special person in the world. Strangers would feel his instant connection. His attitude, his view on life, always positive and exuberant. He loved me fiercely. His children were his world. It’s so sad to me they won’t get the opportunity to grow up knowing him.

Words fail me today. Spending the day playing hookie and enjoying family time. Remembering this incredible man who we love so much. 

Love you forever, Marcus. 

#missyou #ichoosejoy #haveanamazingday #heaveniversary #youngwidow #iloveyou #deathday #rememberingday #heavengainedanangel #widow #brokenheart
When life gives you lemons (ahem... clementines), When life gives you lemons (ahem... clementines), how do you react? 
How do you keep going when life isn’t what you wanted or expected? It’s keeping hope that it will all work out for good. It’s trusting that God has a plan beyond the one you had. Bad situations don’t mean a bad life. 

When things aren’t going my way, I often think:
“What am I learning here?” 
“Is this something I can control or change?”
“How can good come from this?”

While not every situation has a clear or positive answer, the goal is to not get stuck in our head and the downward spiral that will destroy us. The truth is, most situations we have very little control over. BUT. We can control how we respond. And that might mean putting someone else’s needs above our own. It might mean choosing their happiness over our own. Or even though the situation seems all negative, forcing yourself to find a positive. Teaching ourselves that emotions are important, but it’s important to not let them rule us. 

I’m reading Marcus’ book to the kids this week, and this quote resonated so much with me: “I believe there is a purpose in every circumstance of life, and it is my responsibility to love that purpose and engage with it- to participate in it rather than resist it- no matter what it may be. In fact, that purpose is often simply not clear in the short term, which is another way that faith holds life together. Faith understands that eventually, in time or after some time, the purpose will be clear.”

I tell my kids all the time that while we lost someone so special us, we gained understanding. Now we can help others we wouldn’t have been able to empathize with nearly as much. We can be sad and still do good. 

True perspective. 

Love that we are still learning from that man. 

So seize the day and make some freaking lemonade! 

I posted our yearly recap on the blog a few days ago. I love looking back on our year and seeing all we did, especially this whirlwind of a year!

Top is from @elegantees- go give them a follow and support and incredible mission! Everything else linked here: http://liketk.it/35RqI #liketkit @liketoknow.it #makelemonade #keepyoureyesup #positivevibes #beablessing #liftothersup
“Your dad would be so proud of you.” Thank yo “Your dad would be so proud of you.”

Thank you to the parents who teach empathy and kindness. To connect even when they don’t completely understand or relate. Our kids wanted to share about their daddy in heaven to their classmates this week, so they chose to bring their daddy books in. (It is SO good and healthy for them to talk and share about their daddy!) Today Scarlett shared her favorite pictures and stories with her friends, and one friend uttered those words. I wish I could have had Scarlett’s expression on video when describing the kind words her friend said. She was straight up beaming, and what a beautiful thing for another 7 year old to build her up. Scarlett was vulnerable to be sharing a part of her that hurts but is so special, and to have it be received with kindness is the greatest gift that could have been given to her. 

This girl has fought her way through some really hard places. She is learning how to use what she’s gone through and lost to help others. She will always wrestle with certain things, but there is one thing I am sure of:

He is proud. 

Keep raising great humans, friends. 

#raisinggoodhumans #positivevibes #raisingarrows #blessothers #beablessing #encouragement #liftothersup #childgrief #helpothers #makelemonade #igdaily #dailysmile
I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. Life I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. Life is complicated, hard, and the busyness of our current season makes it hard to process all the things. 
So I went back to therapy today. And it was awful. And wonderful. 
Awful because my painful wounds were exposed and poked and it resurfaced so much trauma. But it was also wonderful because the simple mention of some topics cued instant emotions, reminding me that they obviously need tending to. It allowed my words and emotions to flow freely, some of which I didn’t even realize were on my mind. A neutral sounding board and safe place to help process some really hard and complicated things. 

For a long time, grief and loss was all I thought or wrote about. And now that I’m remarried, I don’t want to give the illusion that all that pain and sadness disappeared. The truth is that time does heal, but the wounds will never go away. While grief isn’t always on the forefront of my mind, it is a part of who I am. I’m forever changed because of our loss. And certain dates and reminders are a jarring reminder of what we’ve lost. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for months for next week, and I’m still dreading it. 

The hard parts won’t last. These things become a part of who we are, and talking about them helps us to release the control they have over us. While it hurts at first, it helps us work through processing it all and eventually the pain will subside. 

Dustin and I are proactively going in a couple weeks too. Why not start our foundation off strong, especially considering the hard things we’ve encountered so far and now blending a family. Let’s normalize mental health and therapy. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

#ichoosejoy #haveanamazingday #missyou #mentalhealthawareness #grief #griefjourney #remarriedwidow #ithurts #missyou #loveneverfades #youngwidow #griefrecovery #therapy #vulnerability #storytime #iloveyou
I never thought that I’d be so emotional about E I never thought that I’d be so emotional about Eloise, our youngest, going to school. She’s gone to part time school for the past couple of years, but we decided it would be better for her to be enrolled full time. Since we made the decision last month I’ve been all over the place! I mean, a full day with NO kids at home? Imagine all I could accomplish! Then I’d be immediately reminded of the fact that yes, I’d have no kids at home all day. A few months from now will mark 8 years as a stay at home mom. My whole existence for as long as I can remember has revolved around these little people under foot, and now they’re to the age where they are thriving more under the care of a teacher. I was so surprised at my emotions because as each child approached school age, it felt right and I embraced them at their stage of growth. (I’m not one of those “don’t grow up” people. Or am I now...). Now that they’re all in school, it’s just so weird. 
I am excited for a few hours a day to be truly productive instead of my attention always split with the demands of the kids. I’m excited to not wear all the hats at once for a minute, trying to maintain the house, teach the kids, work, help others.... And I know I will be more refreshed and engaged when they get home. But it’s still so hard!
Tell me I’m not the only one? 
So excuse me while I sob into my breakfast while also being so excited how clean my house is and how much I’ve accomplished before noon 😅

Photo by @lindseynicole_photo hair by @krystle__walker #alltheemotions #wedding #ighappy #emotional #happybutsad #growingpains #blendedfamily #blendedfamilylife #momlife #sisters #siblinglove #godanswersprayer #family #instagood #beautiful #happy #sad
A year filled with so much turmoil for most, and y A year filled with so much turmoil for most, and yet so much joy and excitement for us. So many unknowns and moments of fear and panic, and God delivered exactly what we needed at just the right time. Every time. It was such a gift to weather the storm that is 2020 with this incredible guy by my side. 
I love to reflect, especially at the end of the year. And this year was an adventure, to say the least! 

This year I:
Rang in the new year in Stowe with friends 
Took a trip to Cali
Trained for a marathon 
Met the governor 
Met a boy 
Got engaged
Sold two houses 
Moved across the country 
Organized a benefit race
Got married
Gained a daughter
Honeymooned in AZ & UT
Bought a home

We are excited to ring in the new year quietly with our family tonight. True to the rest of the year, we weren’t able to host the New Years party we were planning. But as always, it all works out the way it should. Early bedtime and more house organizing sounds just perfect ❤️

Just a reminder that God’s timing is greater than ours. 
He cares for us always. 
He knows the desires of our hearts. 

Hold on to those highs. Live and love intensely ✌🏼❤️

Here’s to a new year and more adventures ✨

Photo by @bekahlee33 
#newyear #2020 #reflections #highlights #highlightreel #igdaily #husbandandwife #ighappy #adventure #lifeisgood #happy #happynewyear #loveyou #
Now that we are officially settled into our new ho Now that we are officially settled into our new house in Iowa, I am dreaming of all the ways we can refresh and upgrade it, and master closets are high on that list. This closet will forever serve as my inspiration! And also reminiscing of warmer weather where I can wear these summer shoes again 😔
Check out the full post of the final result on the blog (ahem... three years later...) link in my profile! http://liketk.it/34TQV photo by @bekahlee33  #liketkit @liketoknow.it #closet #closetroom #whitecloset #dreamcloset #inspo #shoe #shoewall #designer #gucci #toryburch #jeffreycampbell #ninewest #summer #summershoe #sandals #warmerweather #vacationmode #inspiration #customcloset #reveal
“We celebrate at Christmas not only that Christ “We celebrate at Christmas not only that Christ was born, but that He lived.”
Christmas morning 🎄🎁(yesterday for us!). 
Only delayed 9 hours on our road trip due to unexpected whiteout conditions 🥶 nothing like waking up to a super white Christmas, even though we will end up in the northeast late tonight where it’s 60 degrees! Merry Christmas everyone! 

I linked the kids’ jammies on my @liketoknow.it- awesome after Christmas sales are starting! These are my favorites and last for years. Best quality and fit and made to last when the kids grow! Go follow me there, just search @nicolefergesen 🛍

#merrychristmas #christmas #christmas2020 #christmasmorning #heisthereasonfortheseason #family #igkids #cute #pajamas #roadtrip #christmasvacation #christmasmagic #christmastree #loveyou
Merry Christmas from our family to yours! @dferg Merry Christmas from our family to yours! 

@dfergesen #christmascard #christmas2020 #joy #light #family #chapter2 #blended #blendedfamily #happy #christmas #secondchances #love #loveyou #myworld #tistheseason #merrychristmas #joytotheworld #basicinvite @basicinvite photo by @lindseynicole_photo hair by @krystle__walker makeup by @beautecallmakeup @millfalls
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Year in Review - 2020
Love After Loss - Featured on Love What Matters (again)
Our Love Story: The Preamble
Custom Master Closet Room - New Hampshire Closet Installation
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nicolefergesen

January 15. Miss you every single day. Today even January 15. Miss you every single day. Today even more, remembering the pain of that day, that moment. Wrapped in my dad’s arms, hearing those impossible words. 

I miss how he would make you feel like you were the most special person in the world. Strangers would feel his instant connection. His attitude, his view on life, always positive and exuberant. He loved me fiercely. His children were his world. It’s so sad to me they won’t get the opportunity to grow up knowing him.

Words fail me today. Spending the day playing hookie and enjoying family time. Remembering this incredible man who we love so much. 

Love you forever, Marcus. 

#missyou #ichoosejoy #haveanamazingday #heaveniversary #youngwidow #iloveyou #deathday #rememberingday #heavengainedanangel #widow #brokenheart
When life gives you lemons (ahem... clementines), When life gives you lemons (ahem... clementines), how do you react? 
How do you keep going when life isn’t what you wanted or expected? It’s keeping hope that it will all work out for good. It’s trusting that God has a plan beyond the one you had. Bad situations don’t mean a bad life. 

When things aren’t going my way, I often think:
“What am I learning here?” 
“Is this something I can control or change?”
“How can good come from this?”

While not every situation has a clear or positive answer, the goal is to not get stuck in our head and the downward spiral that will destroy us. The truth is, most situations we have very little control over. BUT. We can control how we respond. And that might mean putting someone else’s needs above our own. It might mean choosing their happiness over our own. Or even though the situation seems all negative, forcing yourself to find a positive. Teaching ourselves that emotions are important, but it’s important to not let them rule us. 

I’m reading Marcus’ book to the kids this week, and this quote resonated so much with me: “I believe there is a purpose in every circumstance of life, and it is my responsibility to love that purpose and engage with it- to participate in it rather than resist it- no matter what it may be. In fact, that purpose is often simply not clear in the short term, which is another way that faith holds life together. Faith understands that eventually, in time or after some time, the purpose will be clear.”

I tell my kids all the time that while we lost someone so special us, we gained understanding. Now we can help others we wouldn’t have been able to empathize with nearly as much. We can be sad and still do good. 

True perspective. 

Love that we are still learning from that man. 

So seize the day and make some freaking lemonade! 

I posted our yearly recap on the blog a few days ago. I love looking back on our year and seeing all we did, especially this whirlwind of a year!

Top is from @elegantees- go give them a follow and support and incredible mission! Everything else linked here: http://liketk.it/35RqI #liketkit @liketoknow.it #makelemonade #keepyoureyesup #positivevibes #beablessing #liftothersup
“Your dad would be so proud of you.” Thank yo “Your dad would be so proud of you.”

Thank you to the parents who teach empathy and kindness. To connect even when they don’t completely understand or relate. Our kids wanted to share about their daddy in heaven to their classmates this week, so they chose to bring their daddy books in. (It is SO good and healthy for them to talk and share about their daddy!) Today Scarlett shared her favorite pictures and stories with her friends, and one friend uttered those words. I wish I could have had Scarlett’s expression on video when describing the kind words her friend said. She was straight up beaming, and what a beautiful thing for another 7 year old to build her up. Scarlett was vulnerable to be sharing a part of her that hurts but is so special, and to have it be received with kindness is the greatest gift that could have been given to her. 

This girl has fought her way through some really hard places. She is learning how to use what she’s gone through and lost to help others. She will always wrestle with certain things, but there is one thing I am sure of:

He is proud. 

Keep raising great humans, friends. 

#raisinggoodhumans #positivevibes #raisingarrows #blessothers #beablessing #encouragement #liftothersup #childgrief #helpothers #makelemonade #igdaily #dailysmile
I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. Life I don’t pretend to have it all figured out. Life is complicated, hard, and the busyness of our current season makes it hard to process all the things. 
So I went back to therapy today. And it was awful. And wonderful. 
Awful because my painful wounds were exposed and poked and it resurfaced so much trauma. But it was also wonderful because the simple mention of some topics cued instant emotions, reminding me that they obviously need tending to. It allowed my words and emotions to flow freely, some of which I didn’t even realize were on my mind. A neutral sounding board and safe place to help process some really hard and complicated things. 

For a long time, grief and loss was all I thought or wrote about. And now that I’m remarried, I don’t want to give the illusion that all that pain and sadness disappeared. The truth is that time does heal, but the wounds will never go away. While grief isn’t always on the forefront of my mind, it is a part of who I am. I’m forever changed because of our loss. And certain dates and reminders are a jarring reminder of what we’ve lost. I’ve been mentally preparing myself for months for next week, and I’m still dreading it. 

The hard parts won’t last. These things become a part of who we are, and talking about them helps us to release the control they have over us. While it hurts at first, it helps us work through processing it all and eventually the pain will subside. 

Dustin and I are proactively going in a couple weeks too. Why not start our foundation off strong, especially considering the hard things we’ve encountered so far and now blending a family. Let’s normalize mental health and therapy. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond. Admitting you need help is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

#ichoosejoy #haveanamazingday #missyou #mentalhealthawareness #grief #griefjourney #remarriedwidow #ithurts #missyou #loveneverfades #youngwidow #griefrecovery #therapy #vulnerability #storytime #iloveyou
I never thought that I’d be so emotional about E I never thought that I’d be so emotional about Eloise, our youngest, going to school. She’s gone to part time school for the past couple of years, but we decided it would be better for her to be enrolled full time. Since we made the decision last month I’ve been all over the place! I mean, a full day with NO kids at home? Imagine all I could accomplish! Then I’d be immediately reminded of the fact that yes, I’d have no kids at home all day. A few months from now will mark 8 years as a stay at home mom. My whole existence for as long as I can remember has revolved around these little people under foot, and now they’re to the age where they are thriving more under the care of a teacher. I was so surprised at my emotions because as each child approached school age, it felt right and I embraced them at their stage of growth. (I’m not one of those “don’t grow up” people. Or am I now...). Now that they’re all in school, it’s just so weird. 
I am excited for a few hours a day to be truly productive instead of my attention always split with the demands of the kids. I’m excited to not wear all the hats at once for a minute, trying to maintain the house, teach the kids, work, help others.... And I know I will be more refreshed and engaged when they get home. But it’s still so hard!
Tell me I’m not the only one? 
So excuse me while I sob into my breakfast while also being so excited how clean my house is and how much I’ve accomplished before noon 😅

Photo by @lindseynicole_photo hair by @krystle__walker #alltheemotions #wedding #ighappy #emotional #happybutsad #growingpains #blendedfamily #blendedfamilylife #momlife #sisters #siblinglove #godanswersprayer #family #instagood #beautiful #happy #sad
A year filled with so much turmoil for most, and y A year filled with so much turmoil for most, and yet so much joy and excitement for us. So many unknowns and moments of fear and panic, and God delivered exactly what we needed at just the right time. Every time. It was such a gift to weather the storm that is 2020 with this incredible guy by my side. 
I love to reflect, especially at the end of the year. And this year was an adventure, to say the least! 

This year I:
Rang in the new year in Stowe with friends 
Took a trip to Cali
Trained for a marathon 
Met the governor 
Met a boy 
Got engaged
Sold two houses 
Moved across the country 
Organized a benefit race
Got married
Gained a daughter
Honeymooned in AZ & UT
Bought a home

We are excited to ring in the new year quietly with our family tonight. True to the rest of the year, we weren’t able to host the New Years party we were planning. But as always, it all works out the way it should. Early bedtime and more house organizing sounds just perfect ❤️

Just a reminder that God’s timing is greater than ours. 
He cares for us always. 
He knows the desires of our hearts. 

Hold on to those highs. Live and love intensely ✌🏼❤️

Here’s to a new year and more adventures ✨

Photo by @bekahlee33 
#newyear #2020 #reflections #highlights #highlightreel #igdaily #husbandandwife #ighappy #adventure #lifeisgood #happy #happynewyear #loveyou #
Now that we are officially settled into our new ho Now that we are officially settled into our new house in Iowa, I am dreaming of all the ways we can refresh and upgrade it, and master closets are high on that list. This closet will forever serve as my inspiration! And also reminiscing of warmer weather where I can wear these summer shoes again 😔
Check out the full post of the final result on the blog (ahem... three years later...) link in my profile! http://liketk.it/34TQV photo by @bekahlee33  #liketkit @liketoknow.it #closet #closetroom #whitecloset #dreamcloset #inspo #shoe #shoewall #designer #gucci #toryburch #jeffreycampbell #ninewest #summer #summershoe #sandals #warmerweather #vacationmode #inspiration #customcloset #reveal
“We celebrate at Christmas not only that Christ “We celebrate at Christmas not only that Christ was born, but that He lived.”
Christmas morning 🎄🎁(yesterday for us!). 
Only delayed 9 hours on our road trip due to unexpected whiteout conditions 🥶 nothing like waking up to a super white Christmas, even though we will end up in the northeast late tonight where it’s 60 degrees! Merry Christmas everyone! 

I linked the kids’ jammies on my @liketoknow.it- awesome after Christmas sales are starting! These are my favorites and last for years. Best quality and fit and made to last when the kids grow! Go follow me there, just search @nicolefergesen 🛍

#merrychristmas #christmas #christmas2020 #christmasmorning #heisthereasonfortheseason #family #igkids #cute #pajamas #roadtrip #christmasvacation #christmasmagic #christmastree #loveyou
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